A Son Who Remembers Heaven, and Our Family
Can We Find Happiness Even When We’re Buried Beneath a Storm of Difficulties?
There are also some things that happened between the end of my second son’s sixth-grade year and the end of his first year of middle school that I still don’t feel emotionally ready to write about.
If I’m being honest, there are times when I want to tell the whole story. I want to expose everything, and sometimes the anger feels almost unbearable.
But strangely enough, my emotions haven’t caught up with everything that happened yet.
All I can say for now is that because of those events, my second son came close to losing his life.
I developed cervical dystonia.
We both struggled with depression and panic attacks.
The humiliation and pain we experienced can never simply be erased, and there is no way to change what happened.
But we are moving forward.
Someday, when I have finally been able to process everything in my heart, I promise I will write about it here.
Until then, please give me a little more time.
Digging deep into those memories and bringing them back to the surface comes with a tremendous emotional cost.
My second son is now happily attending a new school, where he has found friends who have gone through similar experiences. We are incredibly grateful to his teachers for their support, and little by little, he has regained the bright and cheerful personality he had before.
How I Met My Husband
Not long after we returned to Japan, around August 2017, I was riding a public bus near our home when a car crashed into the bus.
At the time, I was standing right behind the driver’s seat. The impact was so strong that I was thrown all the way toward the exit.
People behind me were also thrown forward one after another, and for a moment, I was caught underneath the crowd.
Somehow, I managed to get myself out and, while the bus driver was still in shock and trying to figure out what to do, I quickly called an ambulance and the police.
I didn’t realize how badly I had been affected at first because I was still in shock. But later, my whole body began to hurt, so I went to the hospital to get checked out.
After that, I started going to a treatment clinic.
And that was where I met my husband.
At the time, my divorce had not yet been finalized, so whenever he became my practitioner, I often found myself talking to him almost like a counselor.
I told him about my situation, my relationship with my ex-husband, and everything I was going through.
I remember talking about how badly I wanted to get divorced but how difficult it was to move forward, how painful the verbal abuse had been, and so many other things…
Around that time, I asked him a question once.
My children were only five and eight years old then.
“Do you have a girlfriend?”
After a short pause, he answered,
“…Yes.”
Even now, I have no idea why I asked him that.
As I continued going to the clinic, though, it became obvious that I was gradually becoming attracted to him.
But I was still legally married, and he had a girlfriend, so I simply continued going to my appointments and talking to him.
Still, just having someone listen to me was incredibly comforting.
Eventually, my divorce was finalized, and things in my life began to settle down.
Then, about two years after I first met him, I found out during one of my appointments that he had broken up with his girlfriend quite some time earlier.
And not long after that, something started to change.
During my treatments, I began to notice that he was getting strangely close to my personal space.
For example, one day his face suddenly came very close to mine, and he touched the earring I was wearing.
“That’s a cute earring.”
“Huh?”
I was half-panicking. 😂
Wait… what was that?!
From that day on, I couldn’t stop thinking about it.
“I don’t understand… Does he like me?
Or is he just standing close because of his job?!
I have no idea!!”
And yet…
He never asked me out!
Why?!
He was getting so close to me, but absolutely nothing happened! 😂
Normally, I thought, by this point a guy would have asked me out.
But nope. Nothing.
So, eventually, I gave him my contact information myself. 😂
And he contacted me almost immediately.
“Wait… what?! 😂
This is definitely not how these things usually happen!” 😂
But even then, I still didn’t completely trust men.
The verbal abuse and emotional abuse from my ex-husband, the betrayal and infidelity, and the loss of my self-esteem had left deep scars.
And I also carried trauma from relationships I had experienced before him.
I was afraid of letting anyone get too close to me.
I wanted to become closer to him, but at the same time, I was scared of getting hurt again.
I didn’t know what to do with these completely contradictory feelings, and I struggled to let my guard down.
At that time, my oldest son was ten and my second son was seven.
And surprisingly, it was my oldest son who gave me the push I needed to take that step.
After our divorce, my ex-husband immediately started dating several women at the same time—three, to be exact.
He actually told me about it himself, so I know it was true.
Then, only three or four months later, he told us that he was going to marry one of them.
I think that must have affected my oldest son more than I realized.
One day, he asked me,
“What about you, Mom? Don’t you have a boyfriend? Aren’t you going to get married?”
I casually replied,
“I don’t know… I wonder if there’s anyone who would want to be Mom’s boyfriend.”
And then, to my surprise, he said,
“Mom, you should get married soon.”
I asked him,
“Why? If I get married, you might end up living with a different dad someday. Would you really be okay with that?”
He immediately replied,
“Yeah. But make sure he’s handsome!”
“W-Wait… He has to be handsome?!” 😂
I was genuinely surprised.
Then he said,
“I don’t want Mom’s boyfriend to be ugly!” 😂
Looking back now, I wonder if that was his own little way of looking out for me.
And somehow, hearing those words finally gave me the courage to make my decision.
And that was the beginning of our story.
→ To be continued in Vol. 4.
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【お空の記憶を語る息子と、私たち家族】
-困難の渦に埋もれた日々に幸せを見つけられるのか？-
それから、次男が小学校6年生の終わり頃から中学校1年生の終わりまでに起きた出来事に関しては、今、まだ感情の整理がつかず書けそうにありません。
本当なら全て暴露したいし、怒りでどうにかなりそうなのに、それに反して私の感情が追いつかないのです。今言えることは、その出来事のせいで次男は死にかけました。私も頸椎ジストニアになりました。2人とも鬱、パニック障害になりました。沢山味わった屈辱は拭うことはできないし、その事実を変えることもできない。でも、私たちは前に進んでいます。いつか心の整理がついたら必ずここに書いていきます。それまでもう少しお時間を下さい。心の奥深くを掘り出すのは相当なダメージを喰らうのです。
※次男は今、転校先の新しい学校で、同じような境遇の仲間達と楽しく通わせて頂いています。有難いことに、先生方の支えもあり、前のような明るさも取り戻しています。
〈夫との出会い〉
日本へ帰国して間もない頃（2017年8月頃）、私が自宅近くの公共のバスに乗っていた時に乗用車が突っ込んできて交通事故に巻き込まれてしまい、その時運転席のすぐ後ろに立っていた私は事故の衝撃で降車口まで吹き飛ばされました。その時に後ろからも次々と人が重なり押しつぶされる状態になったのですが、何とかすり抜けてその場で慌てているバスの運転手に代わり救急車と警察を呼びました。そこではショック状態で気が付かなかったのですが、後に身体中が痛くなり、病院で診察を受けました。その後治療院に通うことになったのですが、そこで出会ったのが今の夫です。
その頃はまだ離婚が成立していなかったので、彼が私の治療担当になった日には人生相談みたいな形で自分の置かれている環境のこと、元夫との事などをよく相談していたのを覚えています。離婚したいけど、中々進まない事、言葉の暴力が辛かったことなど、色々…。
そんな頃一度だけ彼に質問したことがあります。その頃子供達はまだ、5歳と8歳でした。
「彼女はいますか？」
少しの間を空けて、
「…います」
自分でもなぜそれをその時に聞いたのかは分かりません。
それが通い続けていくうちに惹かれていっているのは明らかでした。
それでも、私も離婚が成立していないし、ましてや彼女さんがいるのでただ私の相談を聞いてもらう日々でした。それでも、誰かに聞いてもらえるというだけで本当に心が救われていました。
そのうちに離婚も成立して落ち着いて、夫と出会って2年くらい経った頃でしょうか。
ある日の治療で彼女さんとだいぶ前に別れていたことを知るのです。
そうして間も無く治療の時に、ん？やけにパーソナルスペースに踏み込んでくるなぁ、、ということが増えたのです。例えば、急に顔が急に近づいたと思ったら私の耳のピアスに触れて
「このピアス可愛いね」
と言ってきたり。（笑）
「え？」
と、半分パニックでした。
今のは一体何だったんだ⁈
その日からすごく悶々としていました。
“意味がわからない…私に気がある？
いや、仕事柄距離が近いだけ⁈
もう、わかんないよ〜〜‼︎”
そして、一向にお誘いがない！
なぜだ⁉︎すごく距離が近いのに全くない‼︎
普通ならこれくらいのタイミングまでくるとお誘いがあっても良いはずなのに…と思っていました。（笑）
仕方なく（笑）私から連絡先を渡したのですが、そのあとすぐに連絡をくれました。（笑）
“え⁉︎（笑）
今までにないパターンなんだけど⁈（笑）”
ただ、、、まだその時は男性を完全に信用していたわけではありませんでした。
前の夫からの言葉によるDV、モラハラ、浮気からの自己肯定感の消失はもちろんのこと、それ以前の恋愛からのトラウマもあり、関係が深くなる事を恐れていました。仲良くなりたいのに、矛盾した感情にどうしたら良いか分からず、上手く距離を縮められずにいました。
その時、長男が10歳、次男が7歳だったのですが、迷っていた私の背中を押してくれていたのは長男でした。
元夫は離婚後もすぐに彼女を同時期に3人作ったりして遊んだりしていて（本人がわざわざ報告してきたので本当です）、そうかと思えば3、4ヶ月後すぐにそのうちの1人と結婚することになったらしく、それが長男にとって少なからずショックだったのでしょう。
「ママは？彼氏いないの？結婚しないの？」
と聞いてきたのです。
「ママはどうかなぁ？ママの彼氏になってくれる人いるかなぁ？」j
なんて返していたのですが、驚くことに、
「ママも早く結婚して」
と言ってきたのです。
「何で？そうしたら将来は違うパパと一緒に暮らすことになるかもしれないけど、それでも良いの？」
と聞いたら、
「良いよ。でもイケメンにしてね！」
と。言ってきました。
「イ、イケメンじゃないとダメなんか？（笑）」
とビックリして返すと、
「ママの彼氏がブサイクなのは嫌だ！」
と…。（笑）今思うと彼なりの私への配慮だったのかなって思います。
そうしてようやく決心がついたのです。
→Vol.4に続きます。
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