My Son Who Talks About His Memories of Heaven, and Our Family
Can We Move Forward While Carrying Past Trauma?
After that, our relationship slowly became more serious.
At that time, I was still living with my parents, and they were very supportive whenever we went on dates.
But we were both very busy. He had a responsible job, and I was also busy with work and taking care of my children and their activities.
So, we could only see each other about twice a month.
Even so, he always made sure to spend time with my children at least once when we met.
The children quickly came to love him.
He was six years younger than me, and to my children, he was like a kind and fun older brother who always played with them.
About a year after we started dating, we naturally began to think about marriage.
The reason was simple.
My children started saying,
“Please get married soon!”
I think they already saw him as their dad.
But honestly, I was still scared.
Will everything really be okay this time?
What if it doesn’t work out again?
My children would get hurt again.
But staying in this relationship forever without making a decision wouldn’t be right either.
I was struggling with these feelings for a long time.
He was six years younger than me, and I was a divorced mother with two children.
I wondered if it was really okay to ask him to marry me.
I felt like I would be giving him a lot to carry.
I also worried about what his family would think.
Then, almost as if he wanted to take away all of my fears, he said,
“I’m going to move out of my apartment. Should we look for a place to live together?”
From that moment, everything happened very quickly.
One day, my grandmother found a flyer for some newly built townhouses near our home while she was out for a walk.
She brought it to me and said,
“It looks like there are houses like this nearby.”
I thought it was a little expensive, but I showed it to him anyway.
He simply said,
“Sounds good to me.”
And just like that, we decided to live in a new house only a three-minute walk from my parents’ home.
I will never forget how happy my children were.
My parents were incredibly grateful to my husband.
His family also accepted our complicated situation with open hearts, and I will always be grateful to them.
My mother-in-law often told me,
“Make sure you give all the children the same love.”
Her kindness and love slowly melted my heart, which had been so tightly closed because of everything I had been through.
By then, my fear had slowly been replaced by gratitude.
For the first time in my life, I truly felt,
“Oh… this is what happiness feels like.”
For so long, I had wondered what happiness really meant.
No matter how much I thought about it, I couldn’t find the answer.
There were times when life felt so painful that I didn’t know how much longer I could keep going.
I was only able to keep moving forward because I had my children.
And then, he gave me something I had never truly known before:
real, honest happiness.
→ To be continued in Vol. 5
【お空の記憶を語る息子と、私たち家族】
-過去のトラウマを抱えながら前に進める？-
それから交際に発展していくわけですが、その時は実家に住んでいた為デートへいく際は両親もすごく協力してくれていました。
と言ってもお互い忙しく、、、彼は仕事でも責任ある立場にあること、私も仕事や子供達の習い事などで毎日大忙しだったので月に2回くらい会える程度でした。それでもそのうちの一回は必ず子供達も交えて遊んでくれました。
子供達は会ってすぐに彼のことが大好きになりました。
私よりも6歳も若い彼は子供達にとっては優しくて沢山遊んでくれるお兄さんという感じで楽しかったのだと思います。
そして交際から一年が経った頃に自然とお互いが結婚を意識するようになりました。
と言うのも、子供達から
「早く結婚して」
と言ってくるようになったのです。子供達はすでに夫の事をパパとして見ていたんだと思います。
でも、その時の私はまだ正直怖さが勝っていました。本当に今回は大丈夫だろうか？もし、またダメになったら子供達も再び傷つけることになる、かといってこのままズルズルいくのも良くない…
心との葛藤が続きました。私より6歳も年下の彼に子供2人付きのバツイチ女性と結婚させて良いのだろうか？沢山背負わせることになる。彼のご家族は何と思うだろうか？
そんな風に思っていた私の気持ちを吹き飛ばすように彼が、
「今住んでるマンションを引き払うことにしたから、一緒に住む場所探す？」
と言ってきたのです。
そこからはトントン拍子に全てが進みました。私の祖母が散歩している最中に近所で新築のテラスハウスのビラを見つけて私に「こんなのもあるみたいだよ」と渡してきたのです。
少し高いなと思いながらも彼に聞いてみると「良いんじゃない？」との返答が返ってきて、すぐに私の実家から徒歩3分の距離に住む事が決まりました。
その時の子供達の喜び方は忘れられないものになりました。
私の両親は夫に感謝の気持ちでいっぱいでした。
夫のご家族もこの複雑な環境を受け入れてくださり、感謝してもしきれません。
いつも常に「子供達には分け隔てなく愛情を注ぎなさいね」と言ってくださる義理母の愛情にもまた、私のガチガチに固まっていた心が溶かされていったのです。
その頃には怖さよりも、もう感謝の気持ちが勝っていたと思います。
あぁ、幸せってこういうことなんだなと生まれて初めて感じた瞬間でした。
今までずっと幸せって何だろう？って考えても考えても分からなくて、辛くて死にたくなる時もあって、もう「一層のこと誰か殺してくれ」と思ったこともあって。子供達がいたからなんとか踏ん張っていた状態だったのです。
そんな私に本当の偽りなしの「幸せ」を彼がプレゼントしてくれたのです。
→Vol.5へ続きます
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