Recently, my youngest son has been telling me quite often,
“Mommy, you’re pretty.”
So I always simply reply,
“Thank you.”
But this time, I decided to ask him something I had been wondering about.
“Why did you choose me to be your mommy?”
“Because you were pretty.”
“Wait… you chose me just because I was pretty?”
“Yeah! But there was another person too. I was thinking, ‘Hmm… which one should I choose?’”
“Oh, so you were choosing between me and another person?”
“Yeah. The other person was a young lady. And you were pretty.”
“A young lady? So she was really young?”
—I have to admit, I was a little hurt by that.
“Yeah. But you were pretty and kind, so I decided, ‘Okay, I choose Mommy!’”
“Really? But wasn’t Mommy scary? I get angry at your big brothers a lot. I can be pretty scary, right?”
He is still little, so I rarely get really angry with him. But when it comes to his teenage brothers, there are definitely times when I lose my temper.
“But Mommy is kind. Being angry and being kind are different things.”
“Really? You think so? Sometimes I think I’m scary myself, and then I don’t like that side of me.”
“Mommy isn’t scary.”
—No, no, no…
The truth is, I really do get angry at his older brothers sometimes. I just don’t want them to go down the wrong path. I want them to grow up and have good lives, so I try to correct them when I feel they are heading in the wrong direction.
But somehow, my four-year-old son sees all of that as kindness.
I honestly didn’t know what to think.
And yet, at the same time, his words made me feel deeply comforted.
Even though I feel like I’m always getting angry, this little boy still calls me kind.
Maybe he sees something deeper in me—something even I sometimes fail to see.
Maybe he understands that trying to guide someone because you don’t want them to lose their way, or scolding them because you want them to have a good life, can also come from love and kindness.
If that’s the case…
Who exactly is my youngest son?
He’s only four years old…
Is he some kind of little angel?
The more I think about it, the more my mind starts going in a million directions again.
But one thing is certain.
Instead of choosing that young lady, he chose me.
Me—with my short temper, my complicated emotions, and all the times when I feel completely overwhelmed and messy inside.
And for that…
I simply want to say thank you.
Thank you for choosing me, my little boy.
【ママかわいい】
最近、三男はよく
「ママかわいい」
と言ってくれます。
だから私は
「ありがとう」
と素直に返すのですが、やっぱり気になることを聞いてみようと決意したのです。
私「ママのことさ、どうして選んでくれたの？」
息子「だって可愛かったから」
私「え？そんな理由で選ぶの？」
息子「そうだよ！でもねもう1人いたんだよ。それでどれにしようかなー？って考えてたの。」
私「あ、じゃあママだけじゃなくてもう1人の人と迷ってたってことだね？」
息子「うん。もう1人はお姉さんだったの。それでママはかわいかったの。」
私「もう1人はお姉さんってことはすごく若かったってことだね？」
-少なからずショックを受けた私。
息子「うん、でもママはかわいくて優しかったから、だからママにきーめた！ってしたの！」
私「そうなの？ママ、お兄ちゃん達にすごく怒ったりして怖くなかった？結構怒ってるし怖いでしょ？」
-まだ息子は小さいので彼に激怒することはないものの、思春期のお兄ちゃん達には雷が落ちることも多々あります。
息子「でもね、ママは優しいよ。怒るのと優しいのは違う。」
私「え？そうなの？ママは自分で怖いなって思うし、嫌になるんだよね」
息子「ママは怖くないよ」
-いやいやいや、本当に上の2人にはどうしても曲がった道を歩いてほしくなくて怒鳴ることあるんです。でも、それも優しいだと…？私は訳が分からなくなった。
でも、それと同時に救われた。こんなにも怒ってばかりの私に優しいと言う子。私の中の本質を見抜いているということだろうか…。
曲がってほしくないから正そうとしてる。
良い人生を歩んで欲しいから怒る、叱ることも含めて優しさだと理解してる…？
だとしたら…うちの三男は一体何者なんだ…？まだ4歳だよ…神様か…？考えたら止まらない癖がまた出てしまった…
とにかく、三男が若いお姉さんではなく、こんなに怒りん坊で感情も揺さぶられてぐちゃぐちゃになることも沢山ある私の事を選んでくれたことに感謝しよう、そう思ったのでした。
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